What I Didn't Know I Needed.

I don't know when Anxiety took control of my life, exactly, though I can recall moments when it peaked and how those moments were triggered. It'd been present my whole life to various degrees, but it seems like over the past five years or so it just snowballed and completely took over. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it to NYC for the X-Japan show because of it. Not because I was afraid I would cancel (which I was right up until the moment I could no longer get a refund on the hotel room,) but because I was fairly certain my heart was just finally going to give out. During a weird breakdown the week before (in which I began to systematically dismantle a small Rarity plushie with a seam ripper) I realized that Anxiety was, absolutely literally, killing me. I knew that I really couldn't live much longer in the state I was constantly in, and had been for the better parts of years, now. I realized, with no uncertainty, that the condition was fatal and that my body was nearing a breaking point. I was never sure how I survived 2012 and the Anxiety was kicking up to those levels again. I knew that I'd never make it through another year of that. Something had to change.

I knew that something had to change, but I had very little idea how to facilitate that change. I started listening to mantra's and doing meditations to keep myself calm. I tried to focus on the positive. It helped, and I did have a few glorious breakthroughs, but it just wasn't enough, in the end. During the ride from my friend's house in Pennsylvania to the City itself, I was in such a scary state that I texted my spouse and told him I was finding a doctor and medication the minute I got back home because I was afraid for my life if I didn't. It scared him. It scared me. It was scary.

Our plan was to park at Newark International Airport in New Jersey for the weekend and take the train into Penn Station. To get from the terminal to the train station we had to ride something called the AirTrain. The AirTrain has small cars that allow a few people to sit and a few to stand. The small compartments you travel in are heavily windowed. In places the track is elevated. I spent the ride from the terminal to the airport train station gripping the bar behind me with both hands, my eyes shut, chanting the Moola Mantra to myself. I was terrified.

On another online journal (and on Facebook) I've been participating in an event called Poem-A-Day October. When I returned home from the trip I wrote this:

I am not the person I was when I stepped out of that train station.
Or maybe I am exactly that person.
Instantly galvanized.

On the ride back from the train station at the airport to the terminal to catch the bus out to our vehicle, I was in the same place in the car on the AirTrain. My eyes were open. I held a conversation with the friend with whom I was travelling. I enjoyed the scenery. I don't even know if I held on with both hands.

The city changed me. Everything about it changed me. It wasn't anything that I expected and everything that I didn't know that I needed. The sounds from the street below and the City all around me lulled me to sleep. Not one siren woke me. It was the perfect lullaby after the best show I've ever seen. The City did not frighten or intimidate me. If anything, I felt a kind of kindred to it. It was beautiful. It was old and new. It was history and progress. It was art. It was raw and honest humanity. The most beautiful things we can create acting as backdrop for some of our ugliest realities and some of our most dire truths towering over tiny moments of beauty. It was diversity like I've never seen. The entire crayon box and not just my dingy little worn out small town palette. It had everything you could ever want within walking distance. Life Condensed. I fell in love. I will never be the same.

Tears came to my eyes as I happened to glimpse one last fragment of the tower interrupted sky before our train disappeared into the tunnel out of the City. I'd forgotten to say goodbye to the place that had reforged me so overwhelmingly. I realized, in that moment, that it would not be the last time I would see that City. I will be there again. I will know its streets better. We will come to know eachother, in time.

I don't know when the Anxiety took over, but I know the place I became strong again. I know the place that reacquainted me with a person I had forgotten that I was. I know where I came back to myself. The concert was wonderful and glorious and amazing. The best show of my life. It was the City, though, that gave me back what I'd for all too long forgotten that I was.

Thank you, NYC.
I'll never forget you.
Until we meet again,
Kai

I'll be over here sorting through them...

If you've followed this blog from the beginning, which isn't hard since I haven't used it as much as intended, then you might remember that the second entry was a little strange. It talked about a dream that a friend had about me once in which I was standing on top of a building with 33 floors. At the time, I was afraid it was my "croak dream" (ala Adventure Time --The cosmic owl taking the form of an otter for some reason in this particular dream.) Today I was talking to that same friend about the fact we're both at the ages we are and looking for our places in the world. Suddenly, I saw that dream in a whole new light. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The building does not signify my life span, but it does signify my place in time at this moment. I've gotten to the 33rd floor of this building of life and it turns out it's the roof. Where do I go from there? Where do I go from here? This is the place I am at in my life. I have reached the 33rd floor and there are no more floors in this building. I've followed this course as far as it will go. This is its logical termination. That doesn't mean I'm going to die. Maybe it means I just need to find a new way to live. Maybe there's a hint in all these bricks...

Forever Love

I'm not doing Apple Butter Day with my jewelry this year. Instead I will be at Madison Square Garden having the experience of a lifetime; mine, in fact. If you think KISS is the quintessential rock band of our time, then you don't know X-Japan. When lead guitarist hide (that's his name, it's pronounced he-day and it is not capitalized --he is the beautiful pink haired boy in the first video below) allegedly committed suicide on May 2nd in 1998, at least three copycat suicides followed and according to wikipedia "of the approximately 50,000 people who attended his funeral at Tsukiji Hongan-ji, nearly sixty were hospitalized and about two hundred received medical treatment in first aid tents." His bandmates have said on numerous occasions that his death was, in fact, almost certainly accidental. He was drunk when he arrived home that night and probably passed out while doing a technique to alleviate neck pain that the band often used on the road. The technique is real, though some have speculated that it may have been a case of auto-erotic asphyxiation. His death, no matter what the cause, was more than a ripple in a pond. It continues to echo in the hearts of fans to this day. The dramatic impact his death had and the number of people affected by it, speaks to what X-Japan is to the rock scene in Japan. What's really special about them, though, is their ability to break out in the US and around the world in a way that no Japanese rock band had before them (or has since with the exception of another favourite of mine, Dir en grey --who I was in love with before they broke out over here, btw. #jrocksnob #lol)

Today X-Japan consists of its creators Yoshiki (drums and piano) and Toshi (vocals) who formed their first band together at age 11, Pata (rhythm guitar) who rounded out their full original lineup by the middle of 1987, Heath (bass) who joined the band after original bassist Taiji left in 1992 (but played with them again in 2010,) and Sugizo who officially joined in 2009 and provides lead guitar and violin. Sugizo is famous in the Japanese rock scene for his band Luna Sea; a band that has also seen some success in the United States, though not as widely. Both hide and Taiji are both still considered members of the band and their websites are provided along with the other members' when they are provided with a press piece or piece of media. When X-Japan performs they sometimes keep a giant plush doll of hide on the stage with him and almost always have a particular yellow guitar with hearts on it with them in a solitary guitar stand (which you will notice in the video for I.V. on the SAW IV dvd.) They have even used a recording of his guitar work and video footage playing with them on stage (also in the video for I.V., I believe) and played with his hologram at live shows. Taiji died in 2011 of attempted suicide by hanging after being taken off life support. Yoshiki mentions him and hide often when posting about the MSG show on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere, and I expect a large tribute to them both at the show.

To give you a taste of the band as it was, this is Kurenai as performed at the show titled "The Last Live" in December of 1997 when the band officially disbanded before getting back together in 2007/8. They began life as a speed metal band, which is evident in this track.

 

This video was shot in 2010 for the song "Jade" which was officially released in 2011. Like the song Without You, it is a tribute to Yoshiki's best friend and bandmate, hide. They became known for being a ballad metal band, which is evident in this track.

For years, I have cited Yoshiki as one of my idols. His talent as performer, composer, lyricist, songwriter, and businessman are all truly inspiring. He loves what he does and he loves his fans. He literally plays through the pain of multiple herniated discs every time he performs (as evidenced by the neck brace you can see in both those videos.) Yoshiki is THE quintessential rock star of our time, even if you've never heard of him. He stars in a comic book headed by Stan Lee, himself, and has composed and played for the Emperor and Empress of Japan. He composed and performed the theme for the 69th Golden Globes this past year (yes, our Golden Globes in America --see what I'm saying.) It doesn't get any bigger than Yoshiki and I'm finally going to see him this October at the most important venue in our whole entire country. I am beyond excited.

(Did I mention he played for the Emperor?)

Far from Over

How does one put a number on how long a journey will take when the destination is nebulous and the journey itself truly unending? 

When I started this blog, I'd intended it to be a chronicle of my journey from lost wanderer to... more focused and purpose driven wanderer, I guess. 8 months into the year, this blog doesn't have 20 entries when it should have close to 200. I had lofty intentions when I started this journey, but I thought that they were reasonable at the time. I knew that I needed to "find myself" and I thought that this would be a useful tool in doing that. I honestly thought that once I set out, putting one foot in front of the other, that even if I stumbled it would all be chronicled here: the good, the bad, the abhorrently hideous, and I'd come out the other side with something better. In reality, my journey has been tumultuous and I've often been too self-conscious to write any of it down at all. It's hard to write in a public space, without anonymity, and be truly candid. I've "diaried" and "journalled" for years online, but those spaces, though sometimes public, were always out of the way or under the thin veil of pseudonym. There is none of that here. I post links to my entries on my Facebook for goodness sake. This is as raw and open as it gets, and I have found myself unable to rise to the medium as I imagined I would. 

I need this, though, or something like this. My head is a chaotic train wreck and I need to sort that out somewhere that isn't hidden away. Not just for myself, but so that others who are sinking might be able to swim someday as well. I have no delusion of grandeur. Mine isn't a journey that's going to inspire a revolution --it has yet to inspire even me, but I want it here for others to see in case one person can be touched by it and lifted up out of their own darkness by it. But first, I have to slay the trolls and pull myself up out of my own darkness. Can I do that in a space that everyone can see? If I stop posting links to my entries on Facebook will people even realize that I'm posting at all? Is that the way to skirt the issue of public catharsis versus private battle? How much of my life should I be sharing and how much should I keep close to my chest?

These are all questions I can not answer right now. I am going to take some steps, though, toward finding them. The first one being changing my online id as a quick Google search tells me that the one I've been using for years is now being used by some guy in Australia, too. I was shopping around in my mind for a new one, anyway, and today it came to me. So... moving away from that. Who needs a username steeped in Chaos, anyway? I'll delete what accounts I can delete, name change what accounts I want to transition (and am able to,) and leave the rest to rot in the wastes of the internet. That's a positive change I can make and one that inspires more forward momentum, I think. Onward to the future.

This journey is just beginning.

Dissolving the Illusion

I am 33 years old. I actually stumbled over that recently when someone else told me that they were 33. Instead of saying that I was the same age, I said that we were around the same age. I said this because my mind blanked and I honestly couldn't remember, all of the sudden, if I was 31 or 33. The last few years of my life have been more than a little chaotic and even somewhat traumatic. Recently, I have begun to come out of the chaos and am in the infantile steps of reconnecting with and also reinventing myself. Somewhere in that process I lost my grip on just how many years I'd been at this so far. It's 33. I am 33. That dream, you remember --33.

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that 33 was some kind of "too late for everything: number. My 20s are over. My college degree is complete, but a little on the unpractical side. I'm married and not working with no car of my own. I've missed opportunities, walked away from chances, let things pass me by, and here I am at 33 stuck with what have and will have that for the rest of my life. That is, of course, nonsense, but it's only about two minutes ago that I realized that. Until that moment, my thought process was inverted and turned upon the stark reality that I am not "young" any more.

The truth of the matter is, though, that I am not old, either. Thirty-three is not an unreasonable age to make things start happening. It's not an unreasonable age to find who you are and run with your talents. I realized, as I reshelved the Henson biography I'd started in dead tree format while waiting for my Kindle to charge so I could read it more comfortably, that 33 is actually a pretty good place to start. It's old enough, I realized, to really start to have a good grasp on yourself as a person. I realized that maybe a good sturdy sense of self is actually pretty hard to come by any time before thrity-something. Sure, I've missed opportunities and let potentially awesome things slip through my fingers, but in getting to this point I have learned a lot about myself. I have no idea what to do with what I have learned or how I got here, but I realize that it's not unreasonable to just be getting started, even if you thought you were well rolling a long time ago. There's no shame in picking yourself up after a mere 30 years on the planet and finally setting your heels to Doing Something. It's not unreasonable that it might take 30 years to even begin to get to that point. Because life is a strange strange bird and truly living isn't, oddly enough, just something that comes naturally. Rolling over as "done" or "too late" at 33 is silly. All these podcasts I listen to and books I read about successful entertainers people are starting to sink in. Life doesn't begin at 21. You don't get your big idea while you're still trying to become a person. And becoming a person never really stops. Thirty-three, though, is a good point to look back, make sense of it, and do something with all that time. It's not time wasted, it's not opportunities lost, it's where you learned how to be you. If you knew what was important to you and who were before then, well, that's awesome for you, but the shocking fact of the matter is that isn't the rule, it's the exception.

It's not too late. In fact, because it's now and no other time, it's just right. Now is always just right, no matter when it is. Now is happening at 33? Great! I'm glad it's happening, now go get it.

Housekeeping for Ravelry!

I just posted my two published Ravelry patterns here so I can delete the page they used to be hosted on. So... that's what happened there. Hope to get back to posting here in the near future! <3

Pass it Over Cotton Scrubby

Pass it Over Cotton Scrubby

The fun thing about this super quick scrubby is the fact that the back is the part with the cool pattern while the front is the more functional scrubby side. Being knit with two strands together makes it a quick and easy project perfect for last minute gift exchanges. (I made my mine for a white elephant and knit it up sporadically over the course of a couple of days.) You can knit up a bundle in a snap. I haven't actually gotten to try one out yet, but the front is fairly dense and nubby so I imagine it scrubs like a dream. :)

Yarn
Any two colours of your favourite cotton “dishrag” yarn. I used Lily Sugar and Cream in Black and Softly Taupe. This little scrubby probably won't even take half a ball.

Needles
9US (I used aluminum) Yarn or Tapestry needle

Gauge
I couldn't tell you and I'm not sure how much it matters. It's just a scrubby. ;) My final piece measured roughly 6”x5”

Knit holding both colours together. When doing a YO use one colour or the other NOT BOTH.

Cast on 25 Stitches (I use long-tail.)
Row 1: Knit
Row 2: Knit (and all even rows hereafter)
Row 3: K2, *YO(Colour 1), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, YO (Colour 2), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, repeat from * to last 3 stitches, K3
Row 5: K2, *YO(Colour 2), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, YO (Colour 1), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, repeat from * to last 3 stitches, K3
Row 7 and 9: Repeat Row 3
Row 11: Repeat Row 5
Row 13: Repeat Row 3
Row 15 and 17: Repeat Row 5
Row 19: Repeat Row 3
Row 21: Repeat Row 5
Row 23: Knit
Bind off
Weave in ends.


Pattern Side:



Scrubby Side:


I hope you have enjoyed knitting up this little pattern as much as I enjoyed knitting it up myself. Let me know how it works. I can't wait to make one for myself! :)

Flat and Cozy Cellphone Cozy

Flat and Cozy Cellphone Cozy

This is a flat knit cellphone cozy! I was looking for a good cellphone cozy pattern one day and didn't want anything that had to be knit in the round. I couldn't find anything I liked so I improvised and came up with this simple knit. This is knit in one piece that folds naturally in the center due to the composition of the pattern. The selvage is sewn up to create the cozy pocket. The strap can be done a number of ways. I'll include a few suggestions toward the end.

Needles:

8US (I used Bamboo.)

Yarn or Tapestry Needle

Yarn Used:

Lion Brand Homespun for my own and a friend's (both pictured).

I've done it with cotton, though, as well. The project is much less fuzzy and more neat and clean this way. I also recommend sewing it up with the wrong side out with cotton, because the bumpiness looks nicer with the sleeker, more sporty looking, outcome.

Gauge:

Not important. --You know what you knit the most comfortably and you'll be using your own phone to determine size of project, as it is, so don't sweat it. :)

Finished dimensions will depend on your own phone, as you will see. Have it handy when you start, you'll need it!

Casting on:

Create slipknot for first stitch and cast on two more stitches after it (so you have three loops on your needle.)

Now cast on until you have cast on sufficient loops to go across the bottom of your phone when you spread them out evenly and hold it up your phone up to your needle.

Cast on three more stitches.

There will be some flexibility and extra space, so don't stress over the measurement, just make sure that your phone fits between the first three loops and the last three, as these will be your selvage and the sewn up sides of your cozy.

Pattern:

Row 1: k3, *k, sl3 p-wise wyif

Row 2: k3, *p, sl3 p-wise wyif

Repeat until you can hold your knitting to your phone and it reaches the top (or as close to the top as you want the cozy to end if you want your phone to stick out some).

The next bit of knitting will be the bottom of the cozy and will cause the project to want to fold in on itself nicely.

(If you want to use the “wrong side” as the outside of your phone purl here instead and begin the next side with a purl as well.)

Row W: k across

Row X: k across

Row Y: k across

Row Z: k across

Now your pick back up the previous pattern to come up the other side.

Row 1b: k3, *k, sl3 p-wise wyif

Row 2b: k3, *p, sl3 p-wise wyif

Continue until this side is the length of the side before the “fold” section. The project should be wanting to fold and create the bottom on either side of the garter bit.

Bind off. (Bind off to last three stitches if using Strap Option: I-Cord Variant, and knit your cord now before continuing. For all other Strap Options, go ahead and bind off all stiches.)

Fold and make sure your phone fits.

Sew up the sides, keeping your stitches within the selvage, or just inside if your phone still fits and you prefer the aesthetic.

Tada!

Strap Options:

I-Cord Variant:

This works well with the fuzziness of the Homespun yarn.

Simply knit the three stitches left on your needle after you bind off then wrap the yarn around the stitches once so it's back ready to knit and knit them again. This will create a pretty wrapping pattern that looks good with a fuzzy yarn. Make this as long as you like then bind off and fold over to make the strap loop. You could even make a full “purse-like” cord if you'd like.

I-Cord:

I have never used I-Cord only because I don't own double-pointed needles. It would be a perfectly viable option to sew into the top of this project after binding off. I would suggest sewing in the cord before sewing the sides of the projects together so it looks like a more integral part of the design.

Braid:

For my husband's cotton version (which I would love to include pictures, but of course he lost it XD), I simply braided some of the cotton yarn together and sewed it on to each side of the piece about a quarter of an inch down the side to make a little strap.

Cord and Strap options are truly endless for this, so feel free to be creative! :)

This is a quick knit and very gratifying because it's so immediately useful. Makes a great gift if you're a beginning knitter or just don't have a lot of time. I hope you've enjoyed this pattern. 

Making and Doing

Making: I've been working on growing my crochet toolbox lately. When I got a little burnt out on Tunisian, I taught myself to make granny squares and work in the round using various internet sources. I made a cute little sugar skull with some red cotton the other day that's just waiting for some eyes. I might try to size it up a little and make some wash clothes for my bathroom. I've been slowly redecorating my bathroom in skulls  and skeletons and I think that would be a nice touch. When I mentioned the idea to the spousey person, they suggested sizing it up even larger and making a bath mat or rug! I think that's a great idea and I think I could make it happen with some chunky cord or rope, or maybe even some recycled fabric. Currently, I'm working on a hat for the spousey. It's probably not even going to get cold enough to need it much more this year, but that's ok. They'll have if for next year. This is my first time attempting an entire hat in the round.  So far, so good!

The top of a hat!

I'm slowly starting to make progress on a large jewelry order my aunt put in for this summer. She's approved the prototype so now to get to cranking out product. I've been extremely concerned with keeping costs down while creating pieces that really stand out, and had been hugely concerned about the sheer amount of beads the project is going to take. I was, until I received a package in the mail from a dear friend who used to run a wonderful little shop here in town. She moved out of state and those of us who thought of her shop as home miss her dearly. She sent me the package as part of a "pay it forward" post on FB that involved sending people a random package some time over the course of the year. Her random gift to me was BEADS. No more worries about keeping the budget sensible on this order. I could not feel more blessed. Thank you, Universe. I needed that.

Doing: I've been keeping a Tarot Journal. I used the book Tarot Journaling by Corrine Kenner as a jumping off point. The book isn't quite what I thought it would be, but it's proved useful in getting the project off the ground. Tarot is an extremely useful tool for thinking about things in ways you might not otherwise and seeing situations from other perspectives. Whether you believe the source of the insight is divine, stems from the subconscious, or is all just random happenstance, doesn't actually matter. All the cards are there to do is introduce new ideas into your thought process and even if they are completely random and have no kind of mystical properties whatsoever, that can be an extremely useful tool when working through a difficult problem or experiencing a blocked thought pattern.

I've been using the Diaro app for Android and it's been extremely useful for keeping the project organized.  It lets me include photos in my entries, which is extremely handy for future referencing and so I don't have to try and transcribe blocks of texts from various reference books. I've been using the app for a while for my personal, private, journaling and to draft posts for other places. I'm using it right now to write to this post, as a matter of fact, after the lack of auto save in the Blogger app forced me to start all over from a much earlier version. I haven't used the website so I can't attest to its online presence, but the app itself it just wonerful.

Still using HabitRPG. I've created some useful habits and have learned a lot about how and why I do things by using it. Recently, I've joined a guild called "Challenge... Accepted?" and that's introduced me to some new things and encouraged me to do and try some things I wouldn't have, otherwise. All of the projects I've talked about in this entry are things that I log on the site in one way or another. I get points for crafting every day and more if I finish a project or meet one of my goals. I'll get points for writing and posting this blog post!  I am extremely grateful for being introduced to the site. It's a wonderful resource and I really can't talk it up enough. 

Time to close this post to go make and do other things (the dishes to start!) I'll leave you with the little skull still waiting for his button eyes.

Almost Sugar Skull

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

Story time! 
Once upon a time I went to a Transiberian Orchestra concert with my then roommate. It was amazing. It was the kind of amazing that was kind of spiritual and kept sending intense chills through my body. This intense sensation would wash over in me waves from time to time as I was listening when some chord or chorus particularly spoke to me on deeper level. After a while I noticed that every time I felt this intense sensation my roommate sitting next to me would shiver. I asked her what was wrong and she said she kept getting a cold draft. She thought she was sitting over a vent. I paid attention the next couple times it happened and the correlation became clear. Every time the intensity of the experience would wash over me, my roommate next to me would feel the energy washing through me as a cold sensation coming from my direction. I was the draft. It seems like a crazy story, but the correlation was very real.
Last week I learned about ASMR: Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and that story instantly came to mind. I think what I was experiencing is similar, but this is a different thing, too. Do you get chills in the back of your head when someone brushes your hair or when you run your hands through a bowl of sand of a bag of rice? This is that. And there is an entire community around it on youtube and around the internet. Some of the videos are simple "trigger videos" of people brushing things on the microphone to cause that sensation in you, the viewer, or running their hands over different textures and whispering a story. Whispering is a big trigger for a lot of people, so it's a huge part of the community. Even if you don't experience what some refer to a "braingasm," the effect can be extremely relaxing. 
There are also videos, like the one I present to you here, that provide a kind of psychological release, as well. The video below is by a woman who refers to herself as Heather Feather. In the video she plays the role of a kind of brain maintenance professional and throughout the course of the video she unlocks compartments of your brain and cleans out the negative things she finds there such as guilt which she brushes away and negative thoughts she clips out. The video is binaural and much of the experience's magic is listening to it through headphones. She moves around various parts of your mind and you hear her in different areas as she's working. The video is for sleep and relaxation. I was awake until almost the very last moment, but so completely relaxed and in a wonderful state. The sleep I got afterwards was amazing.
I haven't listened to a lot of other vides, but on a site called ASMR Hub there is a lot of variety. I tried out a short Chakra Opening video that was nice and there are some MP3s with guided meditations and things. Every video isn't for every person and the whole concept isn't for everyone either, but if it seems like something that you might find relaxing, comforting, stimulatinng, or in any way useful, I encourage you to explore places like youtube and channel's like Heather's or spend some time browsing the Hub. I'm glad that I was turned on to this by a friend who recently discovered it. I look forward to discovering new ways to use it as a tool as I learn more about it and find more resources. 

That was Monday.

It's like when you're swimming in the ocean
And the bottom becomes the top
And you don't realize that the whole time
You have been swimming down for air
-- Crack the Mirror - Melissa Ferrick

Monday I sank to the bottom of the hole I've been trying to swim out of for months now. I laid there in the detritus and let the demons of the deep drive their spears into my chest. For a while I thought I would drown. The surface was too far away and I didn't have the energy to swim. The demons told me that I didn't deserve to try and I allowed myself to believe them. I let myself sink into the mire until it seemed I would never move again.

That was Monday.

Today I am floating toward the surface. I am not steadfast but I am steady. I am not fighting the current, I am following. I am allowing myself to drift upward. Following the navigation of the forces around me instead of fighting to bend them to my will. I find they bend with me instead of against me if I don't push them so hard. I am working with the universe instead of fighting it. I am working with my spouse instead of fighting them. I can feel them drifting with me instead of away. I am moving up at a comfortable pace. I am weathering the bumps without panicking because I am buoyant.

Never forget your buoyancy. You are buoyant. You are always buoyant. If you can't swim, just relax.

Broken and Far from Bliss

It's hard to post on a blog like this when your life is so far from where you hoped the whole ideology would take it. It's not the ideology's fault. There's nothing wrong with premise or the markers or meditations. My life is just so far out of balance right now moving forward seems impossible. I wanted to put my life on a track toward peace, mindfulness, and the journey toward the center of the soul, but my journey is about anything but bliss right now.

This blog was never supposed to chronicle just the good. That was never my intention. I just didn't realize how bad the bad the was going to get or just how black and suffocating the darkness could be. My life was already in the process of unraveling when I started this adventure. I thought that focusing on myself and my path would create energy that would help weave it all back together. It seemed clear at first where my path was going to lead me once I saw it. Grad school was probably the direction that I needed to head in. I buckled, though. I buckled and I stalled and I have yet to move forward with that at all. I became afraid that in pursuing my path it would look like I was no longer pursuing ours, and our path became more important to me than anything in the world even as thorn bushes just kept seeming to grow up across it every time we tried to move forward. Grad School started to look like an escape instead of a way forward. It became a threat instead of an affirmation. I didn't just let the ball drop, I kicked it away when it did. I still have the "to-dos" for it on my HabitRPG tasklist, but somewhere in me I know they'll go unchecked. Eventually, I'll delete them.

I've been reading Chris Hadfield's book An Astronaut's Guide to Life. It is interesting and a lot of what he says I can connect with, like sweating the small stuff. He says to sweat it all. He says to run through all the scenarios so you've prepared and that's not a bad thing. I've always thought that. My loved ones think I worry too much, but I feel like I've just always felt more prepared when I've weighed out all the possibilities of any given scenario, good or bad. I feel like, right now, though, that my fighter jet in a spin and I never read the boldface. If there is a boldface for this scenario I don't know it. I don't have the tools. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get what I need while giving what is needed. It seems like it should be easy and that we should just Stop what we're doing and Start doing better things, but that just doesn't seem to be able to happen and ... and I'm losing my mind.

I'm broken. I don't know if I can fix this kind of broken. My spouse keeps saying it takes time and we'll get there. I don't know how much time I have before I just snap or run. So, there you go. That's the truth of it. So much for Bliss.

A Great Start

I've been wanting to try out a little yoga for a long time. I enjoyed the version of it that was on the Wii Fit many moons ago when I still owned a Wii (and still worked in retail) but I have always wanted to learn more of the "real thing." So this morning, after my candle meditation and some puttering around on the internet catching up on social media, I decided to hit the Googles and see what I could find. Admittedly, this is the first video that came up in my search. I started it just to see it if seemed ok and ended up spending the next 20 minutes with it. The after effect being that I feel full of energy and my body feels pretty great. I did cause a sore spot in my back, but I think that in a few days of this, that will work itself out (and that would be excellent because I've got a lot of balled up muscles back there.) 

The only part of this I couldn't actually do was the bit where you are supposed to put your arms behind you with your arms touching and lift your butt. I do not have the upper or lower body strength to do this, and my arms don't actually touch. I am chalking this all up to "yet," though, and I'm not going to let it discourage me. I'm also going to stick with this particular video until I'm stretched out more and maybe even until I can do it. Starting the day out with meditation has been nice, but I have trouble actually allowing myself to reach a useful meditative state without distraction. This being guided really helps me focus on it and now that I've seen the movements once I won't have to actually try to see the tablet at all from now on because I have an idea of what he means when he's talking. 

I feel more awake than I have in a long time, which leads me to believe this is definitely something that I should move forward with as a habit. Good habits are the theme so far this year. That is definitely not a bad thing.

Sifting Static

It's been a while since I've written here and that last entry isn't one I'm particularly proud of, anyway. I just couldn't get it right but I published it anyway and now it's just an eyesore to me. To be honest, though, I haven't been thinking about that and that's not what's kept me from writing here. I've had a lot of static in my life and in my mind and I've been busy trying to sift through that and really just survive. I don't know if it's hormones or stomach fauna or what exactly is causing this constant feeling of chaos in my mind, but it's directly affecting every part of my life. I don't even know any more if it's because of my life or the other way around. I am trying to sort things out, though. It's a process. I'm working on it.

One good thing I want to post about is freerice.org. I used the site years ago (many many years ago) and have rediscovered it through HabitRPG (which I am still using and really enjoying --it's making a real difference in my productivity each day.) There is a Challenge there to earn 1000 grains of rice a day and bonus points for every 1000 you go over. I don't know how much real world good the site does, but it's been around for a long time, so I think if it was bogus it would be gone by now. It's felt really nice the past couple days to go there and learn something while doing a little good, even if it's not all that much in the scheme of things. I've been using the German category and really enjoying it. I've always wanted to learn German and have poked around with the idea here and there, but never stuck with it. I'm surprised how well I seem to be able to pick up on what words mean. Today I got up to level 9 of 10 and its only my second day using the site. I didn't stay there long, but I never fall back down past four and generally recovered to around 6 quickly. I know it's not really going to teach me German in any overly useful way, but it's a nice little brain exercise and I'm really enjoying it. It may inspire me to pursue that task in the future in earnest.

I've started a morning candle/meditation regime, too, that I'm going to do for the next 16 days. I might make a broader habit of it after that. It has me getting up with the sun (literally at Sunrise) every day and that's something that should be a positive, too. I get up with the sun when my tablet chimes at me, light the candle on my dresser, loosely meditate and just Be for 19 minutes until my tablet makes a lovely little bird song melody, then I put out the candle and start my day. I am very optimistic about the value of this habit.

So, that's basically where I am right now. I feel better having written out the good things I'm doing with my days and my life and my progress and that's helped clear up some of the static. Now to gather up documents so I can have the taxes out by the end of the week (Mercury is Retrograde so I'm taking my time to make sure things are done correctly and nothing is lost.) Fun!

Income Incoming

Once upon a time I worked middle management at a big box retail chain. There are things I miss about that job. While I wasn't in management at the time that I left, there were things I really loved about the management position that I had once held. Unfortunately, the things I enjoyed most about the job (the need for it be perfectly done in order for the numbers all over the store not to be thrown into chaos, for instance) are also the parts that made it far too mentally, physically, and emotionally demanding if one actually attempted to do it "the right way." It was impossible to do "the right way" and meet the demands of each department it impacted (which was all of them) so I suspect that is why they did away with the position entirely not long after I left and swept it under another manager's workload where it could be much more easily overlooked (not to mention the fact they edited out many of its key components, too.) Anyway, this entry is not about that position or the fact that it drove me insane, ruined my hip, and destroyed a couple of relationships. This entry is about the fact that I haven't worked outside of the home since 2010 by choice. This entry is about how I've made a little cash over the years without selling myself back into retail.

The most rewarding way to make money from the comfort of your own home is to find something that you love to make and make it! For Christmas a couple of years ago my mother-in-law bought me some beads and supplies and said I should make some things to sell when they go to sell their honey at Groveport's Apple Butter Day. I'd only ever made one piece of beaded jewelry and that was a necklace for my mother on a whim after visiting a long since defunct bead store downtown years before. I'd played with a bead loom and and off, too, but it never "took." Something about that gift of beads sparked my imagination and I got to work. By the time Apple Butter Day rolled around in October, I had a modest collection of natural and glass jewelry put together. I've sold at that festival two years in a row now and it's been an incredibly rewarding experience. There is no joy greater than seeing someone's face light up when they pick up a piece of your art and feel it was made just for them when they've never even met you before. I love to sell my jewelry and I plan to run a booth there for as long as we sell our honey there. I've debated branching out to other festivals, but I just haven't been feeling the creative bug this year so my stock is a little low. I don't currently have my own vehicle, either, which would make making more of a go of things a lot simpler. It's an idea I toss around, though, and its still a possibility for the future. I love making pretty things that make people feel pretty. It's a good feeling and I'm glad I discovered this latent talent when I did. You can see some of my bejeweled (and beboned and bebeaded) artwork at http://www.facebook.com/SaturnineTreasures.

Finding a hobby that can bring in some extra cash is fun and rewarding, but more often than not you end up putting more money into something like that than you ever get out of it. Sometimes you just want to do, not make, and there are options for that as well --or at least there's one that really is what it says it is. There are a lot of scams out there that promise ways to make money online the fast and easy way. Of all the ones I've seen, only one site I've used really does allow you to make a little cash on your terms in your free time without scamming anyone and without being scammed yourself (so long as you spot a scam --there are more on the site as it's gotten to be something more people use, but they are generally easy to spot and steer clear.) Amazon's Mechanical Turk won't net you huge amounts of money unless you dedicate a large amount of time to it and get in with one of the higher paying firms, but it is what is says it is and it delivers what it promises. MTurk (as it's called) is a place where companies and researchers go to pay people to do small tasks for them. Some companies use MTurk to test their search keywords or score cheap written content for their webpages while others use it to have things transcribed for them or edited. Students and researchers use MTurk to gather data via paid surveys (which can be one of the fastest ways to earn the most, but are generally one shot opportunities. Once you've taken a particular survey you can not take it again.) Some of the easiest and least time consuming tasks on MTurk pay out only a penny or six, but those can add up if you're willing to put in the time. Some of the surveys or chartered content can pay out $10 or more. There is one now that is a followup to a survey (only available to those who originally took the survey --or maybe even only one specific person) that pays out $60. Short tasks that offer upwards of ten cents can be worth the time and surveys that offer more than a quarter almost always are, I've found. I've done some transcribing. Sometimes college lectures are offered up and those can be extremely interesting to transcribe, just make sure you can understand the person speaking before you take the hit. Almost all transcribing jobs can be previewed before you accept them. There is penalty for turning in hits that are poorly done in that some hits can not even be accepted if your percentages are too high in the rejected column. Turning hits back in without completing them can have the same effect, but is generally not as weighty. You are paid in REAL MONEY via Amazon Payments which can be paid out in a number of ways. I generally just leave it all in my account and use it on Amazon directly. It's a reliable site run by a trusted company and there is oppurtunity to make extra money using it. I'm sure there are even those, in with the right companies, who use it for their entire income, but that's not what's going to happen for the typical user of the site. It's all in your hands, though, which is what a lot of places promise but don't tend to live up to at the end of the day.

All too often when you tell someone you work from home they'll give you some degree of Sturgeon Face. People raised within the American culture tend to believe that if you can work then you should and if you aren't without what they consider a "damn good reason," then you must be a bad person. If you're staying at home to raise a child, this can sometimes be an acceptable situation, but otherwise it's Just Not Done. Well, I'm not a bad person and I am capable of holding down a job and even moving up the corporate ladder. I don't work because I choose not to work. It's a situation that makes my spouse and I happy, it doesn't hurt anyone, and it most certainly doesn't make us bad people. I don't need to bring in extra money, and I'm sure that my jewelry has taken more than it's given, all told, but I do enjoy the extra money for books for my Kindle that I get from MTurk and I wanted to share this with others who might find a place for it in their lives, too. Follow Your Bliss and don't let anyone thumb their nose at where it takes you.

Read More

One of my goals this year is to finish books. I'm notoriously bad for taking, I'll be perfectly honest, years to finish one book --even if I like it. Hell, even if I love it can take me months. That's gotten a lot better since acquiring a digital reading device (first a Kindle Fire and now a Paperwhite.) This is because books don't intimidate me as much if I don't have to look at all those pages left to go. I know it's a strange way to be for someone who LOVES stories. You're not telling me anything I haven't already pondered ad nauseum. It makes no sense. I make no sense.

But... I finished a book today. Here's my review:

Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine to the World of Food and the People Who Cook by Anthony Bourdain
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Meh. I wish I had more to say about this book. I really enjoyed Kitchen Confidential and I love what the author does on television with food tourism. I think his worldview is unique and not unimportant. This book, however, was not the best thing he's written. There were bits I enjoyed, but I found myself reading to finish it more than to enjoy it more than I cared for through one chapter then another. I may have gotten more out of it if I was well versed with the names he was dropping, but I'm not a gourmand and I doubt I'll ever get to step foot in most of the restaurants he talks about. I enjoy reading about them, regardless, but it would mean more to me if the names meant more to me because it was the names and what they mean to /him/ that he was focused on. I'm not going to "never read another of his books again," but I hope my next choice lives up to my expectations better than this one did. I think I'll go back and read a Chef's Tour. I think that might have more of what I'm looking for from one of my favourite voices.

Curious about what I've had to stay about other books I've actually finished (and reviewed?)
View all my reviews

I'm going to make this a thing. Expect reviews to pop up as I finish things. *thumbs up*

**Next up in the Non-Fiction category is Chris Hadfield's book. I have a whole blog post I've been working on about him, too. Maybe if I finish it before the end of time I'll just post the review with it, too.

Sunday Sacrifice

I've been thinking about setting up some theme days here to give me more motivation to write regularly and to help give people something to become invested in as they follow me on my journey. As with everything here, it's definitely something I want to do for me, but I like the idea of the things I do helping others become more blissful in their own lives. I'm hoping to push that goal forward a little while helping myself reach some personal goals as well.

The first theme day I'm going implement is Sunday Sacrifice. Sunday Sacrifice stems from the desire to live more simply mixed with one part the need to declutter my surroundings and one part the desire to disburse the things I have and don't want or need to others who may. The sad fact is that I just have too much stuff. I live in a two bedroom townhouse style apartment with my spouse and my cat and it is filled to the brim with stuff. We just keep acquiring stuff on top of the stuff, too. We're not exactly hoarders (yet) but it's definitely getting out of hand. I'm running out of places to store things. I brought a lot of stuff into this marriage, too, and it's time to give a good hard look to what I actually want and need and what is just taking up space.

One serious problem I have is laundry management and I realized this past Sunday that this is because I just have way too many clothes. I started thinking about this Saturday, actually, and when I mentioned the idea of Sunday Sacrifice as a theme day to my spouse they said we should both start with clothes before I could even suggest it. Either we're just that much on the same wave length after six years of marriage, or its really that much of a problem. I think there's a lot to be said for both of those, really. So, that's this weeks task and what I've been working on today. I have almost two bags ready to go to the charity shop, on top of the bag I found waiting in the closet this morning all ready to go. I also found the bag of sweaters I've been meaning to wash which will be nice because I've been wondering where all my sweaters were! 

Another theme day I'm thinking about implementing is either Meditation Monday or Mid-week Meditations. I'd like to scour the web for good guided meditations or meditation techniques and write about my experiences with them. I've also been eyeing the book on Tarot Journalling I picked up for like a dollar when Half Price Books clearanced a huge part of their Tarot section a couple of years ago, so that might turn into a theme day, as well. I've also been thinking about a crafty post a week, too. Do you have ideas for theme days that might fit in well with the feel of this blog? If you have ideas I'd love to hear them.

Step Aside, Master Yoda.

I follow a Facebook Page called Beautiful Minds and it shares inspiring quotes and poeticly thoughtful phrases. A moment ago, this was staring back at me from my feed. It came right on the heels of my telling my spouse that I need to work harder at some things and discussing with my aunt the fact that I can't even get my knees off the ground for a push-up let alone a plank. (It's something I have never been able to do. My Phys. Ed. teachers used to get pretty hostile about it.)

Maybe I'll never be able to do a plank. Maybe I am just not physically capable of getting my knees off the ground with my toes, for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean I should do nothing just because I can't do that. It doesn't mean I shouldn't do the best I can. I "try" to do things all the time, while at the same time preaching the line from Star Wars like its some gospel. "Do or Do Not. There is no Try." I say that all the time, but what does it mean? Do I live it? More often than not, I just lose steam, which causes me to come down on myself, which causes me to stall. That's not doing. That's also not allowing myself to fail and for that to be ok. It has to be ok to fail because we are never going to succeed at everything we try 100% of the time. Doing, though, is not the same as succeeding, and that's so important to remember and all too easy to forget. Maybe I will never be able to push my knees up from the floor with my toes, but there are lots of other ways to work out my upper and lower body. Just because I can't do that one thing doesn't mean I should let it stop me from doing all the other things that I can do.

I give up too easily when I start to slip. I get discouraged if I spend a day not checking anything off my list when for the past week I've been checking things off left and right. I let that one day throw me off for the next week. This is not ok. This is a vicious cycle that needs to be examined and put away. Falling off the cart doesn't have to mean struggling to try and catch it to climb back on. The truth is that when you stop, the cart stops, too. The cart is right there beside you waiting for you to climb back onto it again. It's not running away without you. It will start to roll away, the longer you lie on the ground, but it will only get ahead of you if you let it.

We are not always able to do what we want. There are myriad reasons why that might be the case. Mental and Physical Health don't always allow us to be as productive as we want every day. Life gets in the way of living sometimes. That's ok. As long as we're doing our best and not letting the cart get too far ahead of us, we're still moving forward. If I can't check off anything today I can't let that stop me from checking anything off tomorrow. If I'm not able, for whaterver reason, that's ok, too. When I can, though, that's a different story. I can't and I won't are two entirely different things. If I let I won't rule me the way I can't has to be allowed to sometimes, then nothing will ever be done. If I can, then I will. That needs to me what I tell myself, instead of focusing on my shortcomings and letting ME drag me down.

Ganbarimasu!

Spurred to Motion

It's time to move forward and as is so often the case in life something slightly unpleasant has come up that has the potential to set my life in the direction it needs to go. It is, simply, that my student loans come out of forbearance at the end of the month and I am not any closer to being able to afford that ridiculous payment this year than I was last year, a year removed from the health crisis and major surgery that caused me to put them into forbearance in the first place.

If I am honest with myself, one of my dreams is to spend my life roaming the halls of Academia. Going back to school isn't just an easy out when it comes to a hefty student loan payment, it's the nudge I need to push myself in the direction that I truly want to go. My Bliss is that way and that's something I've know for a long time now. I want to get my Master's. I'd love to go on get my Ph.D. I have things to contribute. I have ideas that need to be out there in the world in ways that I don't know if anyone else can relay them. There is still plenty that I need to learn to be able to articulate these ideas to their fullest potential. Moving forward to Grad School is not a scapegoat. It is the next logical step. My loans coming out of forbearance was just the nudge I needed to start looking into practical possibilities.

I found one almost immediately when I really started to look. You know that intuitive feeling when you stumble across something and you know that it's "right," that's what I felt when I found this program. I know that I can't put all my eggs in one basket and that just because I apply to a program doesn't mean I'll be accepted, but I know that applying to the program I found is the step I need to take to move forward into my future. It's an online program offered by a big institution in the northern part of the state. I am even entertaining spending a quarter or two on campus if some of the classes I absolutely must have, in my own mind, aren't offered online. It's two and a half hours away, so too far to commute, but maybe my spouse would be willing to let me go for a couple of months and drive up and see me on weekends.

I am not going to fool myself into thinking that everything is going to fall into place now without any work on my part, or that just because this feels right it is absolutely what is going to happen, but it's definitely opened my eyes to the direction I need to go and where I need to be looking. I can feel where my heart is calling me. It's up to me to pull myself to the challenge and follow where it leads.

8-bit Motivation

I will do anything for a gold coin. Blame the Plumber and the Hedgehog and the fact I spent my formative years punching bricks and spin dashing to collect gold coloured, shiny seeming, pixels. This isn't some new realization. I've been saying this about myself for years. My internal reward system is 16-bit at most. That's why HabitRPG is one of the best daily motivators I've found.

In the past, I used the site Joe's Goals to feed this innate urge within me to rack up points on mundane tasks. I have, seemingly always, struggled with sinking time as opposed to actually using it productively. It may be true that any "time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time," but all too often I find myself passing time without enjoying it at all, let alone accomplishing anything. This is a problem. When I discovered Joe's Goals, I found that if I could look at the bottom of a column (on what is really just a cleverly implemented spread sheet) and see a number every day that it felt a lot like collecting coins. That eternal 8 year old in my brain was instantly intrigued and the site became a useful part of my daily routine when I wasn't too busy playing video games, of course, or sinking time.

When I purchased my first real tablet back in October (a Samsung Galaxy Note, which is a tablet and a tablet, if you're curious,) I realized quickly that it could be quite useful in not only keeping me more organized, but helping me live more productively, too. I tried out a few different "to-do list" apps, but the one I found most useful (probably because it has a handy widget that I can set to stare up at me on my home page at all times,) is Google Keep. Keep is an offshoot of Drive and it's handy for a lot of things including grocery lists and keeping things synced across devices, but the really useful feature for me is its to-do lists. Having that widget there staring up at me was extremely motivating until I became desensitized to its constant unwavering presence on my home page. I still find it useful, but just not as directly motivating as I did at first.

HabitRPG, though, hits all the right buttons. The full title of the site is HabitRPG: Your Life the Video Game, and while that seems a little cheesy, it is really an extremely clever concept for a certain kind of person. That certain kind of person is, apparently, me. HabitRPG breaks tasks into three categories: Habits, Dailies, and To-Dos. You are rewarded for positive habits, completing dailies, and finshing to-dos with xp and, you guessed it, coins. You can then use those coins to reward yourself with things like pixel goodies for your avatar or rewards you have created yourself that point to real world things, like playing video games. The system gets more complex as you level up and classes are implemented. You can join parties, go on quests, and there are even bosses. Since I forgot to check myself in at the Inn over the Holidays, though, I have yet to experience some of the more advanced features. For every daily you miss or negative habit you acknowledge you lose xp and health. If you lose all your hp you "die" and  lose a level and something from your inventory. You can avoid this by checking yourself in at the Inn if you know you're not going to be able to complete your tasks for a day or even an extended period (which is exactly what I forgot to do and why I've only just worked my way back up to level three.)

Productivity is one of the best ways I've found to keep my brain from turning into a troll and keeping my mental and emotional well being at a more even keel so finding such a useful motivation tool is kind of exciting. Being productive doesn't have to mean accomplishing Big Important Things all the time. One of my dailies is to spend 30 minutes a day reading. It can be a book, an essay, a short piece of fiction, or anything else I deem worthy of that check mark. I'm not too strict with it, but I have to actually be taking time out to do it and it has to be more than a list of the 99 worst dressed octupi of 2013 that someone's linked on FaceSpace. Social Media is not always a waste of time. In fact, it can be extremely useful and fulfilling.  For me, unfortunately, it can easily turn into a serious time sink. Spending half an hour catching up with friends and reading articles is one thing, spending that same half an hour clicking refresh over and over hoping for something new to pop up on your feed because you're already caught up is something altogether different and something that I catch myself doing more often than I would ever comfortably admit. If my internal 8-bit reward system can help me ward off anxiety and depression while at the same time helping me accomplish my goals, more power to it! Here's to using one's strangely wired brain to one's advantage.

33 Floors

Today is New Year's Day, and one of the significant rites in our modern urban mythology. While drinking the old year out and the new year in might be the less productive of our rituals surrounding this turn of the modern wheel of the year, there is a lot of good vibration centered around the event as well. New Year's Resolutions are often the butt of jokes this time of year, but a lot of positive thinking happens at this time in the spirit of self renewal and transformation. Even if the follow through isn't always there and the "real world" bogs us down more often than not, the energies raised in the spirit of new beginnings is palpable and positive and shouldn't be brushed off as juvenile, overly idealistic, or pointless as easily as they are sometimes. 

For me, the turn of the year is always a little different because my birthday falls so close to it. In 11 more days I will have survived another year. That's always an achievement. This year I survived major surgery and four different tiny airplanes. Who knows what the next year could have in store. I am feeding off the positive energies generated by the new year this year (and they seem to be slightly higher this year than others to me but that could be simply because I'm paying attention) to try and override a pretty irrational fear that keeps creeping up in the back of my mind. A friend of mine had a dream once. In this dream she saw me standing on top of a building with 33 floors. That seems like a pretty specific number to dream about. I was 30 at the time she had the dream and told me about it. I've never been able to forget it. That niggly and paranoid part of my brain of course wants to say that means that this is it. I have 33 years to live. I've reached the top of my building and I'm done. As this friend has a penchant for dreams that are a little something more, that niggly bit has latched onto this idea with all the tiny pinpricks of its being. 

As the day approaches, though, I'm determined to turn that little niggly voice around. That dream doesn't have to mean that I'm fated to live only 33 years, physically. Dreams are like that. What if the dream means that this is the year that I transform. What if that dream means that this is the year I reach the top in a much more positive light. I've climbed up all those flights of stairs (or maybe I took the elevator) and now I'm on the roof. The stars are shining above me. I am there. I am at the top. There is nothing between me and the sky. 

I haven't asked my friend, recently, what she thinks this dreams means. I don't know if I ever well. I think she knows that it scares me even though that was absolutely not her intent in telling me. Maybe she could give me some insight and maybe not. Like I said, I'm not going to ask. I'm not going to rely on someone else's instinct here. I am going to make this dream into what I want it to be, and maybe that's the whole point anyway.

A dream is just a dream, right? Or it isn't. It doesn't matter. This dream is not going to be my Croak Dream. There was no Cosmic Owl (though there was an otter, but I'd been talking about them at lot at the time.) This dream is what I make of it, and right now, on the last few steps before that final floor, I'm going to look at it as a positive force. I come out of my 33rd year on the rooftop, out from the confines of the concrete and ruckus that is every day life. I am there, closer to the stars than I have ever been. My purpose does not lie in the mundane of the building but the vastness of the sky. It's time to move from one cycle to another and that cycle doesn't have to be physical. This year I am going to find my bliss. I am going to pursue it. I am going to leave those stairs I've been trudging up in that dark and winding stairwell and go out onto the roof to look out on the world all around and see it, finally, from a higher view. 

The time has come to stop mucking about and engage.