Broken and Far from Bliss

It's hard to post on a blog like this when your life is so far from where you hoped the whole ideology would take it. It's not the ideology's fault. There's nothing wrong with premise or the markers or meditations. My life is just so far out of balance right now moving forward seems impossible. I wanted to put my life on a track toward peace, mindfulness, and the journey toward the center of the soul, but my journey is about anything but bliss right now.

This blog was never supposed to chronicle just the good. That was never my intention. I just didn't realize how bad the bad the was going to get or just how black and suffocating the darkness could be. My life was already in the process of unraveling when I started this adventure. I thought that focusing on myself and my path would create energy that would help weave it all back together. It seemed clear at first where my path was going to lead me once I saw it. Grad school was probably the direction that I needed to head in. I buckled, though. I buckled and I stalled and I have yet to move forward with that at all. I became afraid that in pursuing my path it would look like I was no longer pursuing ours, and our path became more important to me than anything in the world even as thorn bushes just kept seeming to grow up across it every time we tried to move forward. Grad School started to look like an escape instead of a way forward. It became a threat instead of an affirmation. I didn't just let the ball drop, I kicked it away when it did. I still have the "to-dos" for it on my HabitRPG tasklist, but somewhere in me I know they'll go unchecked. Eventually, I'll delete them.

I've been reading Chris Hadfield's book An Astronaut's Guide to Life. It is interesting and a lot of what he says I can connect with, like sweating the small stuff. He says to sweat it all. He says to run through all the scenarios so you've prepared and that's not a bad thing. I've always thought that. My loved ones think I worry too much, but I feel like I've just always felt more prepared when I've weighed out all the possibilities of any given scenario, good or bad. I feel like, right now, though, that my fighter jet in a spin and I never read the boldface. If there is a boldface for this scenario I don't know it. I don't have the tools. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get what I need while giving what is needed. It seems like it should be easy and that we should just Stop what we're doing and Start doing better things, but that just doesn't seem to be able to happen and ... and I'm losing my mind.

I'm broken. I don't know if I can fix this kind of broken. My spouse keeps saying it takes time and we'll get there. I don't know how much time I have before I just snap or run. So, there you go. That's the truth of it. So much for Bliss.