I'll be over here sorting through them...

If you've followed this blog from the beginning, which isn't hard since I haven't used it as much as intended, then you might remember that the second entry was a little strange. It talked about a dream that a friend had about me once in which I was standing on top of a building with 33 floors. At the time, I was afraid it was my "croak dream" (ala Adventure Time --The cosmic owl taking the form of an otter for some reason in this particular dream.) Today I was talking to that same friend about the fact we're both at the ages we are and looking for our places in the world. Suddenly, I saw that dream in a whole new light. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The building does not signify my life span, but it does signify my place in time at this moment. I've gotten to the 33rd floor of this building of life and it turns out it's the roof. Where do I go from there? Where do I go from here? This is the place I am at in my life. I have reached the 33rd floor and there are no more floors in this building. I've followed this course as far as it will go. This is its logical termination. That doesn't mean I'm going to die. Maybe it means I just need to find a new way to live. Maybe there's a hint in all these bricks...

Forever Love

I'm not doing Apple Butter Day with my jewelry this year. Instead I will be at Madison Square Garden having the experience of a lifetime; mine, in fact. If you think KISS is the quintessential rock band of our time, then you don't know X-Japan. When lead guitarist hide (that's his name, it's pronounced he-day and it is not capitalized --he is the beautiful pink haired boy in the first video below) allegedly committed suicide on May 2nd in 1998, at least three copycat suicides followed and according to wikipedia "of the approximately 50,000 people who attended his funeral at Tsukiji Hongan-ji, nearly sixty were hospitalized and about two hundred received medical treatment in first aid tents." His bandmates have said on numerous occasions that his death was, in fact, almost certainly accidental. He was drunk when he arrived home that night and probably passed out while doing a technique to alleviate neck pain that the band often used on the road. The technique is real, though some have speculated that it may have been a case of auto-erotic asphyxiation. His death, no matter what the cause, was more than a ripple in a pond. It continues to echo in the hearts of fans to this day. The dramatic impact his death had and the number of people affected by it, speaks to what X-Japan is to the rock scene in Japan. What's really special about them, though, is their ability to break out in the US and around the world in a way that no Japanese rock band had before them (or has since with the exception of another favourite of mine, Dir en grey --who I was in love with before they broke out over here, btw. #jrocksnob #lol)

Today X-Japan consists of its creators Yoshiki (drums and piano) and Toshi (vocals) who formed their first band together at age 11, Pata (rhythm guitar) who rounded out their full original lineup by the middle of 1987, Heath (bass) who joined the band after original bassist Taiji left in 1992 (but played with them again in 2010,) and Sugizo who officially joined in 2009 and provides lead guitar and violin. Sugizo is famous in the Japanese rock scene for his band Luna Sea; a band that has also seen some success in the United States, though not as widely. Both hide and Taiji are both still considered members of the band and their websites are provided along with the other members' when they are provided with a press piece or piece of media. When X-Japan performs they sometimes keep a giant plush doll of hide on the stage with him and almost always have a particular yellow guitar with hearts on it with them in a solitary guitar stand (which you will notice in the video for I.V. on the SAW IV dvd.) They have even used a recording of his guitar work and video footage playing with them on stage (also in the video for I.V., I believe) and played with his hologram at live shows. Taiji died in 2011 of attempted suicide by hanging after being taken off life support. Yoshiki mentions him and hide often when posting about the MSG show on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere, and I expect a large tribute to them both at the show.

To give you a taste of the band as it was, this is Kurenai as performed at the show titled "The Last Live" in December of 1997 when the band officially disbanded before getting back together in 2007/8. They began life as a speed metal band, which is evident in this track.

 

This video was shot in 2010 for the song "Jade" which was officially released in 2011. Like the song Without You, it is a tribute to Yoshiki's best friend and bandmate, hide. They became known for being a ballad metal band, which is evident in this track.

For years, I have cited Yoshiki as one of my idols. His talent as performer, composer, lyricist, songwriter, and businessman are all truly inspiring. He loves what he does and he loves his fans. He literally plays through the pain of multiple herniated discs every time he performs (as evidenced by the neck brace you can see in both those videos.) Yoshiki is THE quintessential rock star of our time, even if you've never heard of him. He stars in a comic book headed by Stan Lee, himself, and has composed and played for the Emperor and Empress of Japan. He composed and performed the theme for the 69th Golden Globes this past year (yes, our Golden Globes in America --see what I'm saying.) It doesn't get any bigger than Yoshiki and I'm finally going to see him this October at the most important venue in our whole entire country. I am beyond excited.

(Did I mention he played for the Emperor?)

Far from Over

How does one put a number on how long a journey will take when the destination is nebulous and the journey itself truly unending? 

When I started this blog, I'd intended it to be a chronicle of my journey from lost wanderer to... more focused and purpose driven wanderer, I guess. 8 months into the year, this blog doesn't have 20 entries when it should have close to 200. I had lofty intentions when I started this journey, but I thought that they were reasonable at the time. I knew that I needed to "find myself" and I thought that this would be a useful tool in doing that. I honestly thought that once I set out, putting one foot in front of the other, that even if I stumbled it would all be chronicled here: the good, the bad, the abhorrently hideous, and I'd come out the other side with something better. In reality, my journey has been tumultuous and I've often been too self-conscious to write any of it down at all. It's hard to write in a public space, without anonymity, and be truly candid. I've "diaried" and "journalled" for years online, but those spaces, though sometimes public, were always out of the way or under the thin veil of pseudonym. There is none of that here. I post links to my entries on my Facebook for goodness sake. This is as raw and open as it gets, and I have found myself unable to rise to the medium as I imagined I would. 

I need this, though, or something like this. My head is a chaotic train wreck and I need to sort that out somewhere that isn't hidden away. Not just for myself, but so that others who are sinking might be able to swim someday as well. I have no delusion of grandeur. Mine isn't a journey that's going to inspire a revolution --it has yet to inspire even me, but I want it here for others to see in case one person can be touched by it and lifted up out of their own darkness by it. But first, I have to slay the trolls and pull myself up out of my own darkness. Can I do that in a space that everyone can see? If I stop posting links to my entries on Facebook will people even realize that I'm posting at all? Is that the way to skirt the issue of public catharsis versus private battle? How much of my life should I be sharing and how much should I keep close to my chest?

These are all questions I can not answer right now. I am going to take some steps, though, toward finding them. The first one being changing my online id as a quick Google search tells me that the one I've been using for years is now being used by some guy in Australia, too. I was shopping around in my mind for a new one, anyway, and today it came to me. So... moving away from that. Who needs a username steeped in Chaos, anyway? I'll delete what accounts I can delete, name change what accounts I want to transition (and am able to,) and leave the rest to rot in the wastes of the internet. That's a positive change I can make and one that inspires more forward momentum, I think. Onward to the future.

This journey is just beginning.