That was Monday.

It's like when you're swimming in the ocean
And the bottom becomes the top
And you don't realize that the whole time
You have been swimming down for air
-- Crack the Mirror - Melissa Ferrick

Monday I sank to the bottom of the hole I've been trying to swim out of for months now. I laid there in the detritus and let the demons of the deep drive their spears into my chest. For a while I thought I would drown. The surface was too far away and I didn't have the energy to swim. The demons told me that I didn't deserve to try and I allowed myself to believe them. I let myself sink into the mire until it seemed I would never move again.

That was Monday.

Today I am floating toward the surface. I am not steadfast but I am steady. I am not fighting the current, I am following. I am allowing myself to drift upward. Following the navigation of the forces around me instead of fighting to bend them to my will. I find they bend with me instead of against me if I don't push them so hard. I am working with the universe instead of fighting it. I am working with my spouse instead of fighting them. I can feel them drifting with me instead of away. I am moving up at a comfortable pace. I am weathering the bumps without panicking because I am buoyant.

Never forget your buoyancy. You are buoyant. You are always buoyant. If you can't swim, just relax.

Broken and Far from Bliss

It's hard to post on a blog like this when your life is so far from where you hoped the whole ideology would take it. It's not the ideology's fault. There's nothing wrong with premise or the markers or meditations. My life is just so far out of balance right now moving forward seems impossible. I wanted to put my life on a track toward peace, mindfulness, and the journey toward the center of the soul, but my journey is about anything but bliss right now.

This blog was never supposed to chronicle just the good. That was never my intention. I just didn't realize how bad the bad the was going to get or just how black and suffocating the darkness could be. My life was already in the process of unraveling when I started this adventure. I thought that focusing on myself and my path would create energy that would help weave it all back together. It seemed clear at first where my path was going to lead me once I saw it. Grad school was probably the direction that I needed to head in. I buckled, though. I buckled and I stalled and I have yet to move forward with that at all. I became afraid that in pursuing my path it would look like I was no longer pursuing ours, and our path became more important to me than anything in the world even as thorn bushes just kept seeming to grow up across it every time we tried to move forward. Grad School started to look like an escape instead of a way forward. It became a threat instead of an affirmation. I didn't just let the ball drop, I kicked it away when it did. I still have the "to-dos" for it on my HabitRPG tasklist, but somewhere in me I know they'll go unchecked. Eventually, I'll delete them.

I've been reading Chris Hadfield's book An Astronaut's Guide to Life. It is interesting and a lot of what he says I can connect with, like sweating the small stuff. He says to sweat it all. He says to run through all the scenarios so you've prepared and that's not a bad thing. I've always thought that. My loved ones think I worry too much, but I feel like I've just always felt more prepared when I've weighed out all the possibilities of any given scenario, good or bad. I feel like, right now, though, that my fighter jet in a spin and I never read the boldface. If there is a boldface for this scenario I don't know it. I don't have the tools. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get what I need while giving what is needed. It seems like it should be easy and that we should just Stop what we're doing and Start doing better things, but that just doesn't seem to be able to happen and ... and I'm losing my mind.

I'm broken. I don't know if I can fix this kind of broken. My spouse keeps saying it takes time and we'll get there. I don't know how much time I have before I just snap or run. So, there you go. That's the truth of it. So much for Bliss.

A Great Start

I've been wanting to try out a little yoga for a long time. I enjoyed the version of it that was on the Wii Fit many moons ago when I still owned a Wii (and still worked in retail) but I have always wanted to learn more of the "real thing." So this morning, after my candle meditation and some puttering around on the internet catching up on social media, I decided to hit the Googles and see what I could find. Admittedly, this is the first video that came up in my search. I started it just to see it if seemed ok and ended up spending the next 20 minutes with it. The after effect being that I feel full of energy and my body feels pretty great. I did cause a sore spot in my back, but I think that in a few days of this, that will work itself out (and that would be excellent because I've got a lot of balled up muscles back there.) 

The only part of this I couldn't actually do was the bit where you are supposed to put your arms behind you with your arms touching and lift your butt. I do not have the upper or lower body strength to do this, and my arms don't actually touch. I am chalking this all up to "yet," though, and I'm not going to let it discourage me. I'm also going to stick with this particular video until I'm stretched out more and maybe even until I can do it. Starting the day out with meditation has been nice, but I have trouble actually allowing myself to reach a useful meditative state without distraction. This being guided really helps me focus on it and now that I've seen the movements once I won't have to actually try to see the tablet at all from now on because I have an idea of what he means when he's talking. 

I feel more awake than I have in a long time, which leads me to believe this is definitely something that I should move forward with as a habit. Good habits are the theme so far this year. That is definitely not a bad thing.

Sifting Static

It's been a while since I've written here and that last entry isn't one I'm particularly proud of, anyway. I just couldn't get it right but I published it anyway and now it's just an eyesore to me. To be honest, though, I haven't been thinking about that and that's not what's kept me from writing here. I've had a lot of static in my life and in my mind and I've been busy trying to sift through that and really just survive. I don't know if it's hormones or stomach fauna or what exactly is causing this constant feeling of chaos in my mind, but it's directly affecting every part of my life. I don't even know any more if it's because of my life or the other way around. I am trying to sort things out, though. It's a process. I'm working on it.

One good thing I want to post about is freerice.org. I used the site years ago (many many years ago) and have rediscovered it through HabitRPG (which I am still using and really enjoying --it's making a real difference in my productivity each day.) There is a Challenge there to earn 1000 grains of rice a day and bonus points for every 1000 you go over. I don't know how much real world good the site does, but it's been around for a long time, so I think if it was bogus it would be gone by now. It's felt really nice the past couple days to go there and learn something while doing a little good, even if it's not all that much in the scheme of things. I've been using the German category and really enjoying it. I've always wanted to learn German and have poked around with the idea here and there, but never stuck with it. I'm surprised how well I seem to be able to pick up on what words mean. Today I got up to level 9 of 10 and its only my second day using the site. I didn't stay there long, but I never fall back down past four and generally recovered to around 6 quickly. I know it's not really going to teach me German in any overly useful way, but it's a nice little brain exercise and I'm really enjoying it. It may inspire me to pursue that task in the future in earnest.

I've started a morning candle/meditation regime, too, that I'm going to do for the next 16 days. I might make a broader habit of it after that. It has me getting up with the sun (literally at Sunrise) every day and that's something that should be a positive, too. I get up with the sun when my tablet chimes at me, light the candle on my dresser, loosely meditate and just Be for 19 minutes until my tablet makes a lovely little bird song melody, then I put out the candle and start my day. I am very optimistic about the value of this habit.

So, that's basically where I am right now. I feel better having written out the good things I'm doing with my days and my life and my progress and that's helped clear up some of the static. Now to gather up documents so I can have the taxes out by the end of the week (Mercury is Retrograde so I'm taking my time to make sure things are done correctly and nothing is lost.) Fun!