Misplaced Elipses

I've always been the kind of person who doesn't get overly attached to people. I guess, I was just always looking for that one person to really attach to, above all others, and everyone else was always going to be, to some degree, expendable. So, I found someone to attach myself to and I did, wholly and thoroughly. I patted myself on the back. Well done, you. 

The Buddha teaches about impermanence and the joy and value in loving without attachment. I like to think I'm a soul evolving. I like to think I'm moving toward getting it right somehow. But then... the one person in life who I decide to attach to, just isn't as attached to me. They live for the moment and at this moment they honestly can't tell me that the the next moment won't lead them away and I feel... crushed. I am betrayed by the very evolution I am striving to embrace? I understand how and why love without attachment and loving someone for who they are unconditionally and why those are good things but... damnit... this wasn't supposed to be that and I am angry and bitter and just utterly fucking broken by whatever it's trying to become because I resent being forced to evolve to fit the demands of this situation when I chose this situation to give me something permenant in the first place. It's not fair and no, I don't know what my basis for comparison is, Goblin King. Leave me alone. 

New stationary bike is together. Put in three miles on it and it felt nice. It's the perfect size and putting it together was a lot of fun. I enjoy that kind of thing. I've been watching Sims Let's Plays in the background all morning. I might put some time in on that this evening but I have to get some things done first. I am trying to get my shit together... I can not exist in limbo any longer. 

Bike should come today. Hoping that will help boost motivation. Want to be healthy in order to move forward. To lure myself out from whatever shadow it is I'm hiding in. 

Today's Intention

Today's intention is living with purpose. Today's goal is to get the living room to a better place. I think to live with purpose is more a long term goal, really. I looked over and there was 1:11 left in the session I was listening to on buddify while writing this then I looked over again while texting a friend about it and there were 11 seconds. Once the numbers get hold of you, they don't let go. I really need to write more on that. Some people call them Angel Numbers. I know they're just another way the universe reaches out to tell us things. Apparently, living with purpose is something it's important for me to think about. I am not at all surprised. 

Intention

I have a few goals today, all domestically oriented. I need to wash up and prepare the spouse's outfit for Friday first and foremost and put chicken in the crockpot for tonight. I just listened to a kind of peptalk on buddify that has me feeling pretty good despite the fact I let myself sleep in again. I really need to figure out sleep now that the spouse is sleeping downstairs for his back. We'll figure it out. Definitely need to get back into the habit of setting my daily goal/intention and holding myself to writing here once a day. I think I'm in a good place to pick that up again.  Excited for my new semi-recumbent bike that's headed this way via UPS right now. Gotta get the body healthy to get the mind healthy. I'm tired of hating myself physically as well as mentally. It's time to be the me I want to be and not the me that just happens when I don't pay attention. That me isn't very happy. 

Is there an app for that?

I lost my mind a little tonight. The self loathing spiral started and I have a very hard time breaking free of it on my own. I have feeling it has a lot to do with being so ungrounded all the time but by the time the spiral starts I can't pull myself out of the tailspin alone. My spouse and I are slowly learning what it takes, but it's hard to articulate so it's definitely a process. I think we made some good progress tonight toward figuring out how to minimize it. 

I don't really know why I'm writing this here. There are other places that might be better suited but this is where I came. Maybe, just because there's an app and I'm already in bed. 

Yesterday's goals accomplished. Today's goal is cleaning the bathroom. May work on the bedroom some, too. I've been having my spouse help me set my goals for the day and mention them throughout the day to make sure I haven't gotten sidetracked and forgotten something. Having them onboard is useful. Having a hard time convincing myself not to crawl back in bed for a bit this morning. It just sounds so inviting. 

Which reminds me of a project I'd like to move forward with soon involving self-care and blanket forts. Perhaps, I'll work on that some today, too. 

Goals today are getting the kitchen well in hand and at least two loads of laundry completely through the process. I'd also like to check out of the inn on HabitRPG. Personal goal is to stop dwelling on the negative and being so hard on myself and everyone else.  Monthly goal is to write here with renewed regularity starting right now.