A lot accomplished this week. Preparing for the yard sale. Working on my new contract. Almost caught up with the laundry! Two loads and some rags left and it's all done! Never again. I've been keeping up with the kitchen all right but t need some work right now. All the floors need done. I might do some of that tomorrow after the sale. I'll run the sweeper in here today if it turns out my brother is coming over. I really need to get back to posting content here that is t the occasional housekeeping update. How boring. 

Tara

Counters cleaned and organized. Washed the kettle. 

Quack Quack

Lining my ducks up all in a row. Where they will lead me, I just don't know. Look at them line up, feather butts wagging. Not a single one forgotten, left out, or lagging. Decisions must be made and guns must be stuck to. Stay in the egg and the mongoose will get you. 

Misplaced Elipses

I've always been the kind of person who doesn't get overly attached to people. I guess, I was just always looking for that one person to really attach to, above all others, and everyone else was always going to be, to some degree, expendable. So, I found someone to attach myself to and I did, wholly and thoroughly. I patted myself on the back. Well done, you. 

The Buddha teaches about impermanence and the joy and value in loving without attachment. I like to think I'm a soul evolving. I like to think I'm moving toward getting it right somehow. But then... the one person in life who I decide to attach to, just isn't as attached to me. They live for the moment and at this moment they honestly can't tell me that the the next moment won't lead them away and I feel... crushed. I am betrayed by the very evolution I am striving to embrace? I understand how and why love without attachment and loving someone for who they are unconditionally and why those are good things but... damnit... this wasn't supposed to be that and I am angry and bitter and just utterly fucking broken by whatever it's trying to become because I resent being forced to evolve to fit the demands of this situation when I chose this situation to give me something permenant in the first place. It's not fair and no, I don't know what my basis for comparison is, Goblin King. Leave me alone. 

New stationary bike is together. Put in three miles on it and it felt nice. It's the perfect size and putting it together was a lot of fun. I enjoy that kind of thing. I've been watching Sims Let's Plays in the background all morning. I might put some time in on that this evening but I have to get some things done first. I am trying to get my shit together... I can not exist in limbo any longer. 

Bike should come today. Hoping that will help boost motivation. Want to be healthy in order to move forward. To lure myself out from whatever shadow it is I'm hiding in. 

Today's Intention

Today's intention is living with purpose. Today's goal is to get the living room to a better place. I think to live with purpose is more a long term goal, really. I looked over and there was 1:11 left in the session I was listening to on buddify while writing this then I looked over again while texting a friend about it and there were 11 seconds. Once the numbers get hold of you, they don't let go. I really need to write more on that. Some people call them Angel Numbers. I know they're just another way the universe reaches out to tell us things. Apparently, living with purpose is something it's important for me to think about. I am not at all surprised. 

Intention

I have a few goals today, all domestically oriented. I need to wash up and prepare the spouse's outfit for Friday first and foremost and put chicken in the crockpot for tonight. I just listened to a kind of peptalk on buddify that has me feeling pretty good despite the fact I let myself sleep in again. I really need to figure out sleep now that the spouse is sleeping downstairs for his back. We'll figure it out. Definitely need to get back into the habit of setting my daily goal/intention and holding myself to writing here once a day. I think I'm in a good place to pick that up again.  Excited for my new semi-recumbent bike that's headed this way via UPS right now. Gotta get the body healthy to get the mind healthy. I'm tired of hating myself physically as well as mentally. It's time to be the me I want to be and not the me that just happens when I don't pay attention. That me isn't very happy. 

Is there an app for that?

I lost my mind a little tonight. The self loathing spiral started and I have a very hard time breaking free of it on my own. I have feeling it has a lot to do with being so ungrounded all the time but by the time the spiral starts I can't pull myself out of the tailspin alone. My spouse and I are slowly learning what it takes, but it's hard to articulate so it's definitely a process. I think we made some good progress tonight toward figuring out how to minimize it. 

I don't really know why I'm writing this here. There are other places that might be better suited but this is where I came. Maybe, just because there's an app and I'm already in bed. 

Yesterday's goals accomplished. Today's goal is cleaning the bathroom. May work on the bedroom some, too. I've been having my spouse help me set my goals for the day and mention them throughout the day to make sure I haven't gotten sidetracked and forgotten something. Having them onboard is useful. Having a hard time convincing myself not to crawl back in bed for a bit this morning. It just sounds so inviting. 

Which reminds me of a project I'd like to move forward with soon involving self-care and blanket forts. Perhaps, I'll work on that some today, too. 

Goals today are getting the kitchen well in hand and at least two loads of laundry completely through the process. I'd also like to check out of the inn on HabitRPG. Personal goal is to stop dwelling on the negative and being so hard on myself and everyone else.  Monthly goal is to write here with renewed regularity starting right now. 

Better than Nothing

I've been neglecting this place something fierce and I apologize. Life has been throwing me a lot of emotional curve balls lately and it's proven a little harder to stay focused than usual. I did check out of the inn on Habit today, though, and I've gotten some things accomplished that I've been also neglecting for days. I decided after the fact that today's goal was laundry for the spousey-face. That's in the dryer now. I'm making banana bread for the second week in a row. Hoping this recipe turns out a little better. I tried a new one last week and it was a little more dry than I care for. It wasn't bad, though. 

I'm trying to figure out what to eat. I haven't done that yet today. At this rate I might as well just wait for the bread to finish and cool. I'll probably have a headache by then, though. I am just rambljng here. It's a thing that I do sometimes. I'm just glad that I'm writing here at all. 

I'm not keeping up with my goal of writing here every day. Days are strange. I'm writing here now. 

Not Even 100 Characters

Floors and then I'm free. Just do the floors!

And... We're Back!

Things have been a little off. I won't actually say they're getting back to normal, now, because they aren't, but I am in a place where I have a lot of time to focus on myself and the things I need to get done, so here I am back at the old keyboard again, where I belong. Longest sentence, ever.

My goal today was a little vague, but it involved the kitchen and I got enough accomplished that I don't feel guilty calling it good. Tomorrow, I am stating now, I am going to finish the dishes and do the floor. I'll probably work some more in the bedroom, too, but anything beyond the kitchen floor and the dishes is just extra. Wednesday the focus shifts to laundry. The focus really should be on laundry more, but there is so much to catch up on everywhere that I don't want to burn myself out the first day. I should have all week to get everything squared away. You never know when circumstances will change, though, too.

I've been keeping myself sane and motivated by breaking for video games regularly. My Animal Crossing town didn't even know what to think about the fact I was back after misplacing the game for six months. I found Rune Factory 4 today, too, so I think that'll be tomorrow's distraction. Tonight's unwind activity will probably be the Sims. I'm playing on regular life span with the "self sim" I created and her adopted daughter just became a teen so there's plenty to do there. Throwing video games at myself between periods of serious productivity in other places seems to keep me from becoming a dull boy.

A Little Headspace.

I'm sure I've mentioned here at some point, a site I found called headspace.com. It's a site that offers guided meditations. The first ten are free and a kind of course on the basics of meditation presented in a way that builds upon itself for ten ten minute sessions designed to be completed over the course of ten days, one session a day. I completed the free ten sessions quite some time ago and the skills they taught me have proved invaluable. (This is in no way a paid endorsement of any kind. The folks at headspace.com do not know I'm writing this and I will see no profit from it whatsoever.) I've been just going back to that final session whenever I need a little headspace and that's worked out well enough. I've always been very curious, though, about what the rest of the site behind the pay wall had to offer. There are very few sites I would even consider paying to use, but the free portion of this site was just so useful to me, I couldn't help but wonder what more they might have to offer.

The other night I was talking to a dear friend of mine and he mentioned that he's taken to meditating every morning. I pointed him to headspace.com and told him how highly I thought of their free program and that I'd been thinking of subscribing the next time I had expendable income to expend on such things. Moments later an email dropped into my box with code for a gifted year of the service. He told me that he thought it was something I needed in my life more than anything right now: a little headspace.

Two days into the extended experience and I am not disappointed. The next section of sessions are five minutes longer and I find that I'm ready for that after the first ten. I find myself extremely collected after I finish the sessions and am able to channel stress out of the body in a much more positive manner than without taking the time to stop and really let my mind become as close to silent as it can possibly get (which isn't always that impressive, but always useful.) 

I love my friend for his generous gift. The thought behind it is what makes it so special. He knows that my life is in a place of chaos and upheaval at the moment and that the only thing that is going to bring peace is a peaceful mind and calm thoughts --the ability to move forward in this situation not stifled by the anxieties and insecurities of the mind. He is a true friend of the highest magnitude. 

I'll talk more in the future about what the site has to offer behind the pay wall, for those curious. So far, I am extremely happy with the experience. We'll see if it's worth the $8 a month. I am pretty optimistic and quite certain that it will be a tool I use often throughout the course of the year.

Gawtcha

Everyone's life reaches a turning point. How you evolve and develop when this turning point occurs is what makes the measure of a "man." It's hard when you are swept up in someone else's turning point so deeply that it is also your own. There are make or break moments in life and they are generally surrounded by harder circumstances than you think you can face. But, sometimes, life just needs to do what it has to do to open eyes and unlock hearts. Sometimes you can't see the forest, the trees, or even the sky above you because the world is so dark and your mind is so shrouded in fog. At these times, often, no words will break you from this dungeon, self-inflicted or not, so life has no choice but to shove you to the ground and knock the mud out of your head by force. You have to open your eyes because suddenly they burn too painfully when they are closed. There is a Faery in Brian Froud's oracle deck called Gawtcha. This is the role of Gawtcha in one's life. Gawtcha pulls the wool over your eyes and the rug out from under you in order to show you what you need to see. It's a jolt. It hurts. It feels like a cruel joke. But if you wait too long to help yourself, if you can't, Gawtcha knows it needs to happen. You need the "got ya" in order to see what you just couldn't see before. Sometimes what seems like someone else's Gawtcha, is your Gawtcha, too. Ok. You've got me. My eyes are opening. Eyes around me are opening. Let's move into the next phase with the veil of self-delusion lifted. Let's turn "got ya" into "got you."

Optimism

I don't know the exact moment it happened, or even if it happened all at once or over the course of days, weeks, months, years (a lifetime?) I just know that I used to be an optimist. It used to believe in the good in everything, even if I wasn't able to see it. I used to be believe everything happens for a reason. Was it some moment in time this positive outlook was destroyed or did it simply erode? Either way, it's had a detrimental effect on my psyche. Pessimism has become a self fulfilling prophecy. That is what pessimism is at its core. Pessimism does not allow you to succeed. Pessimism does not allow you to believe you can succeed. It's not preparing for the worst so the best is even better. I'm a worrier and a planner and that has nothing to do with pessimism. Being prepared for all outcomes is not pessimism. Being sure that the bad outcome is the one that you're going to get is not being prepared, it's engaging in self sabotage. Getting your hopes up and having them dashed is not optimism. Optimism is believing, even when they have been dashed, that failure is not an end but a beginning and that you fail so that you can succeed. This is the person that I used to be. This is the person whom I need to be again. Somewhere along the line I stopped believing. When you stop believing you feed that nasty energy in the world and it breeds around you like a Cancer. It circles me now, threatening to swallow me whole. But it's not going to do that. This is not how the story of m life goes. Even through the bad things that I can not change, my life is better than this. That it optimism. 

I really need to get my head back in the game. 

Still Yesterday.

Little brother came to visit today. Sat around taking video games and watching YouTube videos. Always a good time. He's a great kid (he'll always be a kid to me.)