What I Didn't Know I Needed.

I don't know when Anxiety took control of my life, exactly, though I can recall moments when it peaked and how those moments were triggered. It'd been present my whole life to various degrees, but it seems like over the past five years or so it just snowballed and completely took over. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it to NYC for the X-Japan show because of it. Not because I was afraid I would cancel (which I was right up until the moment I could no longer get a refund on the hotel room,) but because I was fairly certain my heart was just finally going to give out. During a weird breakdown the week before (in which I began to systematically dismantle a small Rarity plushie with a seam ripper) I realized that Anxiety was, absolutely literally, killing me. I knew that I really couldn't live much longer in the state I was constantly in, and had been for the better parts of years, now. I realized, with no uncertainty, that the condition was fatal and that my body was nearing a breaking point. I was never sure how I survived 2012 and the Anxiety was kicking up to those levels again. I knew that I'd never make it through another year of that. Something had to change.

I knew that something had to change, but I had very little idea how to facilitate that change. I started listening to mantra's and doing meditations to keep myself calm. I tried to focus on the positive. It helped, and I did have a few glorious breakthroughs, but it just wasn't enough, in the end. During the ride from my friend's house in Pennsylvania to the City itself, I was in such a scary state that I texted my spouse and told him I was finding a doctor and medication the minute I got back home because I was afraid for my life if I didn't. It scared him. It scared me. It was scary.

Our plan was to park at Newark International Airport in New Jersey for the weekend and take the train into Penn Station. To get from the terminal to the train station we had to ride something called the AirTrain. The AirTrain has small cars that allow a few people to sit and a few to stand. The small compartments you travel in are heavily windowed. In places the track is elevated. I spent the ride from the terminal to the airport train station gripping the bar behind me with both hands, my eyes shut, chanting the Moola Mantra to myself. I was terrified.

On another online journal (and on Facebook) I've been participating in an event called Poem-A-Day October. When I returned home from the trip I wrote this:

I am not the person I was when I stepped out of that train station.
Or maybe I am exactly that person.
Instantly galvanized.

On the ride back from the train station at the airport to the terminal to catch the bus out to our vehicle, I was in the same place in the car on the AirTrain. My eyes were open. I held a conversation with the friend with whom I was travelling. I enjoyed the scenery. I don't even know if I held on with both hands.

The city changed me. Everything about it changed me. It wasn't anything that I expected and everything that I didn't know that I needed. The sounds from the street below and the City all around me lulled me to sleep. Not one siren woke me. It was the perfect lullaby after the best show I've ever seen. The City did not frighten or intimidate me. If anything, I felt a kind of kindred to it. It was beautiful. It was old and new. It was history and progress. It was art. It was raw and honest humanity. The most beautiful things we can create acting as backdrop for some of our ugliest realities and some of our most dire truths towering over tiny moments of beauty. It was diversity like I've never seen. The entire crayon box and not just my dingy little worn out small town palette. It had everything you could ever want within walking distance. Life Condensed. I fell in love. I will never be the same.

Tears came to my eyes as I happened to glimpse one last fragment of the tower interrupted sky before our train disappeared into the tunnel out of the City. I'd forgotten to say goodbye to the place that had reforged me so overwhelmingly. I realized, in that moment, that it would not be the last time I would see that City. I will be there again. I will know its streets better. We will come to know eachother, in time.

I don't know when the Anxiety took over, but I know the place I became strong again. I know the place that reacquainted me with a person I had forgotten that I was. I know where I came back to myself. The concert was wonderful and glorious and amazing. The best show of my life. It was the City, though, that gave me back what I'd for all too long forgotten that I was.

Thank you, NYC.
I'll never forget you.
Until we meet again,
Kai

I'll be over here sorting through them...

If you've followed this blog from the beginning, which isn't hard since I haven't used it as much as intended, then you might remember that the second entry was a little strange. It talked about a dream that a friend had about me once in which I was standing on top of a building with 33 floors. At the time, I was afraid it was my "croak dream" (ala Adventure Time --The cosmic owl taking the form of an otter for some reason in this particular dream.) Today I was talking to that same friend about the fact we're both at the ages we are and looking for our places in the world. Suddenly, I saw that dream in a whole new light. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

The building does not signify my life span, but it does signify my place in time at this moment. I've gotten to the 33rd floor of this building of life and it turns out it's the roof. Where do I go from there? Where do I go from here? This is the place I am at in my life. I have reached the 33rd floor and there are no more floors in this building. I've followed this course as far as it will go. This is its logical termination. That doesn't mean I'm going to die. Maybe it means I just need to find a new way to live. Maybe there's a hint in all these bricks...

Forever Love

I'm not doing Apple Butter Day with my jewelry this year. Instead I will be at Madison Square Garden having the experience of a lifetime; mine, in fact. If you think KISS is the quintessential rock band of our time, then you don't know X-Japan. When lead guitarist hide (that's his name, it's pronounced he-day and it is not capitalized --he is the beautiful pink haired boy in the first video below) allegedly committed suicide on May 2nd in 1998, at least three copycat suicides followed and according to wikipedia "of the approximately 50,000 people who attended his funeral at Tsukiji Hongan-ji, nearly sixty were hospitalized and about two hundred received medical treatment in first aid tents." His bandmates have said on numerous occasions that his death was, in fact, almost certainly accidental. He was drunk when he arrived home that night and probably passed out while doing a technique to alleviate neck pain that the band often used on the road. The technique is real, though some have speculated that it may have been a case of auto-erotic asphyxiation. His death, no matter what the cause, was more than a ripple in a pond. It continues to echo in the hearts of fans to this day. The dramatic impact his death had and the number of people affected by it, speaks to what X-Japan is to the rock scene in Japan. What's really special about them, though, is their ability to break out in the US and around the world in a way that no Japanese rock band had before them (or has since with the exception of another favourite of mine, Dir en grey --who I was in love with before they broke out over here, btw. #jrocksnob #lol)

Today X-Japan consists of its creators Yoshiki (drums and piano) and Toshi (vocals) who formed their first band together at age 11, Pata (rhythm guitar) who rounded out their full original lineup by the middle of 1987, Heath (bass) who joined the band after original bassist Taiji left in 1992 (but played with them again in 2010,) and Sugizo who officially joined in 2009 and provides lead guitar and violin. Sugizo is famous in the Japanese rock scene for his band Luna Sea; a band that has also seen some success in the United States, though not as widely. Both hide and Taiji are both still considered members of the band and their websites are provided along with the other members' when they are provided with a press piece or piece of media. When X-Japan performs they sometimes keep a giant plush doll of hide on the stage with him and almost always have a particular yellow guitar with hearts on it with them in a solitary guitar stand (which you will notice in the video for I.V. on the SAW IV dvd.) They have even used a recording of his guitar work and video footage playing with them on stage (also in the video for I.V., I believe) and played with his hologram at live shows. Taiji died in 2011 of attempted suicide by hanging after being taken off life support. Yoshiki mentions him and hide often when posting about the MSG show on Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere, and I expect a large tribute to them both at the show.

To give you a taste of the band as it was, this is Kurenai as performed at the show titled "The Last Live" in December of 1997 when the band officially disbanded before getting back together in 2007/8. They began life as a speed metal band, which is evident in this track.

 

This video was shot in 2010 for the song "Jade" which was officially released in 2011. Like the song Without You, it is a tribute to Yoshiki's best friend and bandmate, hide. They became known for being a ballad metal band, which is evident in this track.

For years, I have cited Yoshiki as one of my idols. His talent as performer, composer, lyricist, songwriter, and businessman are all truly inspiring. He loves what he does and he loves his fans. He literally plays through the pain of multiple herniated discs every time he performs (as evidenced by the neck brace you can see in both those videos.) Yoshiki is THE quintessential rock star of our time, even if you've never heard of him. He stars in a comic book headed by Stan Lee, himself, and has composed and played for the Emperor and Empress of Japan. He composed and performed the theme for the 69th Golden Globes this past year (yes, our Golden Globes in America --see what I'm saying.) It doesn't get any bigger than Yoshiki and I'm finally going to see him this October at the most important venue in our whole entire country. I am beyond excited.

(Did I mention he played for the Emperor?)

Far from Over

How does one put a number on how long a journey will take when the destination is nebulous and the journey itself truly unending? 

When I started this blog, I'd intended it to be a chronicle of my journey from lost wanderer to... more focused and purpose driven wanderer, I guess. 8 months into the year, this blog doesn't have 20 entries when it should have close to 200. I had lofty intentions when I started this journey, but I thought that they were reasonable at the time. I knew that I needed to "find myself" and I thought that this would be a useful tool in doing that. I honestly thought that once I set out, putting one foot in front of the other, that even if I stumbled it would all be chronicled here: the good, the bad, the abhorrently hideous, and I'd come out the other side with something better. In reality, my journey has been tumultuous and I've often been too self-conscious to write any of it down at all. It's hard to write in a public space, without anonymity, and be truly candid. I've "diaried" and "journalled" for years online, but those spaces, though sometimes public, were always out of the way or under the thin veil of pseudonym. There is none of that here. I post links to my entries on my Facebook for goodness sake. This is as raw and open as it gets, and I have found myself unable to rise to the medium as I imagined I would. 

I need this, though, or something like this. My head is a chaotic train wreck and I need to sort that out somewhere that isn't hidden away. Not just for myself, but so that others who are sinking might be able to swim someday as well. I have no delusion of grandeur. Mine isn't a journey that's going to inspire a revolution --it has yet to inspire even me, but I want it here for others to see in case one person can be touched by it and lifted up out of their own darkness by it. But first, I have to slay the trolls and pull myself up out of my own darkness. Can I do that in a space that everyone can see? If I stop posting links to my entries on Facebook will people even realize that I'm posting at all? Is that the way to skirt the issue of public catharsis versus private battle? How much of my life should I be sharing and how much should I keep close to my chest?

These are all questions I can not answer right now. I am going to take some steps, though, toward finding them. The first one being changing my online id as a quick Google search tells me that the one I've been using for years is now being used by some guy in Australia, too. I was shopping around in my mind for a new one, anyway, and today it came to me. So... moving away from that. Who needs a username steeped in Chaos, anyway? I'll delete what accounts I can delete, name change what accounts I want to transition (and am able to,) and leave the rest to rot in the wastes of the internet. That's a positive change I can make and one that inspires more forward momentum, I think. Onward to the future.

This journey is just beginning.

Dissolving the Illusion

I am 33 years old. I actually stumbled over that recently when someone else told me that they were 33. Instead of saying that I was the same age, I said that we were around the same age. I said this because my mind blanked and I honestly couldn't remember, all of the sudden, if I was 31 or 33. The last few years of my life have been more than a little chaotic and even somewhat traumatic. Recently, I have begun to come out of the chaos and am in the infantile steps of reconnecting with and also reinventing myself. Somewhere in that process I lost my grip on just how many years I'd been at this so far. It's 33. I am 33. That dream, you remember --33.

Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that 33 was some kind of "too late for everything: number. My 20s are over. My college degree is complete, but a little on the unpractical side. I'm married and not working with no car of my own. I've missed opportunities, walked away from chances, let things pass me by, and here I am at 33 stuck with what have and will have that for the rest of my life. That is, of course, nonsense, but it's only about two minutes ago that I realized that. Until that moment, my thought process was inverted and turned upon the stark reality that I am not "young" any more.

The truth of the matter is, though, that I am not old, either. Thirty-three is not an unreasonable age to make things start happening. It's not an unreasonable age to find who you are and run with your talents. I realized, as I reshelved the Henson biography I'd started in dead tree format while waiting for my Kindle to charge so I could read it more comfortably, that 33 is actually a pretty good place to start. It's old enough, I realized, to really start to have a good grasp on yourself as a person. I realized that maybe a good sturdy sense of self is actually pretty hard to come by any time before thrity-something. Sure, I've missed opportunities and let potentially awesome things slip through my fingers, but in getting to this point I have learned a lot about myself. I have no idea what to do with what I have learned or how I got here, but I realize that it's not unreasonable to just be getting started, even if you thought you were well rolling a long time ago. There's no shame in picking yourself up after a mere 30 years on the planet and finally setting your heels to Doing Something. It's not unreasonable that it might take 30 years to even begin to get to that point. Because life is a strange strange bird and truly living isn't, oddly enough, just something that comes naturally. Rolling over as "done" or "too late" at 33 is silly. All these podcasts I listen to and books I read about successful entertainers people are starting to sink in. Life doesn't begin at 21. You don't get your big idea while you're still trying to become a person. And becoming a person never really stops. Thirty-three, though, is a good point to look back, make sense of it, and do something with all that time. It's not time wasted, it's not opportunities lost, it's where you learned how to be you. If you knew what was important to you and who were before then, well, that's awesome for you, but the shocking fact of the matter is that isn't the rule, it's the exception.

It's not too late. In fact, because it's now and no other time, it's just right. Now is always just right, no matter when it is. Now is happening at 33? Great! I'm glad it's happening, now go get it.

Housekeeping for Ravelry!

I just posted my two published Ravelry patterns here so I can delete the page they used to be hosted on. So... that's what happened there. Hope to get back to posting here in the near future! <3

Pass it Over Cotton Scrubby

Pass it Over Cotton Scrubby

The fun thing about this super quick scrubby is the fact that the back is the part with the cool pattern while the front is the more functional scrubby side. Being knit with two strands together makes it a quick and easy project perfect for last minute gift exchanges. (I made my mine for a white elephant and knit it up sporadically over the course of a couple of days.) You can knit up a bundle in a snap. I haven't actually gotten to try one out yet, but the front is fairly dense and nubby so I imagine it scrubs like a dream. :)

Yarn
Any two colours of your favourite cotton “dishrag” yarn. I used Lily Sugar and Cream in Black and Softly Taupe. This little scrubby probably won't even take half a ball.

Needles
9US (I used aluminum) Yarn or Tapestry needle

Gauge
I couldn't tell you and I'm not sure how much it matters. It's just a scrubby. ;) My final piece measured roughly 6”x5”

Knit holding both colours together. When doing a YO use one colour or the other NOT BOTH.

Cast on 25 Stitches (I use long-tail.)
Row 1: Knit
Row 2: Knit (and all even rows hereafter)
Row 3: K2, *YO(Colour 1), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, YO (Colour 2), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, repeat from * to last 3 stitches, K3
Row 5: K2, *YO(Colour 2), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, YO (Colour 1), K2, pass YO over knit stitches, repeat from * to last 3 stitches, K3
Row 7 and 9: Repeat Row 3
Row 11: Repeat Row 5
Row 13: Repeat Row 3
Row 15 and 17: Repeat Row 5
Row 19: Repeat Row 3
Row 21: Repeat Row 5
Row 23: Knit
Bind off
Weave in ends.


Pattern Side:



Scrubby Side:


I hope you have enjoyed knitting up this little pattern as much as I enjoyed knitting it up myself. Let me know how it works. I can't wait to make one for myself! :)